Thursday, April 29, 2010

"I Don't Care!" ... except I do ...

Yesterday was a bad day (again!).  I just can't seem to get focused at the moment .. I had a good day on Tuesday and really thought i'd be able to mostly turn this week around, but yesterday I was back eating the wrong things (and too much of them) and saying that I dont care!  except, as you know too, I do care, we all do, otherwise we wouldnt be on this journey, and certainly wouldnt be spending our evenings writing and/or reading this stuff ...

I'm not even really sure why I am struggling so much, but I think a fair amount of it is due to getting bored, I am bored with eating the healthly stuff, bored with working out points taking so much of my time, bored with always having to think before I eat anything, and yes, even bored with going swimming ..  I have landed in a rut and i'm not really sure how to get out of it ... 

In my head I am still happy with the way I now look different (hell I spend a silly amounts of minutes in each day admiring my now thiner ankles and calves, and love going to bed at night, lying on my side and actually being able to feel the outline of my hip bones ... I have come a long way with changing my shape, and I love the new one .. and I know that losing 33lbs so far is not to be sneezed at... but, somehow I cant seem to get that to translate into motivation that I can use to stay on track with my food ... and I am going to be on really shaky ground if getting enough exercise starts to be as much of a struggle!

I am trying to look at the gains I have made and hope that writing them down will remind me tomorrow why I need to get back on track and improve further :

Over the last week, for the first time ever, I have actually looked forward to taking my daughter to school and walking up those hills - 3 months ago I couldnt walk even half of one way without stopping at least twice and by the time I had reached the top of the uphill bits I was gasping for breath, sweating hugely and even coughing and retching - it really was that bad! and I am talking here about a walk that without stopping only takes about 12 minutes total there and back! I used to get inside my house and have to sit gasping like a fish out of water for about 3 minutes before I even had enough air to take a drink, it was truely horrific! --- now, I can walk the whole way there and back without getting out of breath, without breaking a sweat and I really love the feeling of using my leg muscles on the up bits, the feeling of being stronger is amazing and I get home feeling awake and invigorated, instead of stressed and on the verge of collapse. I am terrified about ever getting like that again, but I still cant seem to stop myself eating... I am so stressed by this at the moment and so unsure about what happens next! :-((((

In 12 weeks I went from being able to swim just 200m (with at least a 30 second break after each 25m length!) to swimming over 2km at least 3 times a week (doing sets of about 800m-900m without a rest break of more than 10/15 seconds) ... That is huge in any reality, and even bigger in mine!  But as I said I'm getting bored, and as much as I hate to have to consider this I think I am going to have to finally start spending more time in the gym and set myself some new challenges around that.

Even on bad days my attitude towards food is vastly improved ..  I give a lot more thought to whether something is worth the points before I decide to eat it.  I also finally worked out that I dont need to finish eating a whole bit of something like cake or chocolate , all I really want is a couple of bites to get the taste and then I can take it or leave it.. this one was a real eye-opener for me and has helped a lot ..

anyway, I am going to end this post here and hope for a better day today! ..  wish me luck! x


  1. Hmmm. Might it be a little bit of 'come down' after the swimathon? The adrenalin (bit like a christmas when we were children - so much build up, the rush of anticipation and emotions as we ripped off the paper, then suddenly it was all over....) has stopped flowing - you were so focused, and you kicked butt in more ways than one there....maybe a new challenge would help you focus?

    just a thought x

  2. I think you are probably at least partly right Debs .. I was trying to explain this to my husband and daughter the other day.. for them it seems to be enough to say ok i want to do 5 extra minutes or miles or whatever at the gym this week.. but i need something more definite than that..something with an end date and a consequence if i dont get my butt in gear i guess lol

    i signed up for the swimathon in order to have a focus at the beginning when i was just starting out with exercising again and needed the push and I actually said to them then that I thought I would need something else after that but i wasnt sure as i guess I kinda hoped my progress so far would be enough to keep me motivated, but i guess not .. hope that makes sence LOL

    As you have seen i am just drifting a bit at the moment... I plan to start getting to the gym more (starting next week)and setting myself a more date focused challenge (even if its just something for me personally). I'm really not sure if that will work but i'll give it a few weeks and see and then if it doesnt then i'll go and find a new challenge that will get me back on track ..

    thanks so much for the comment! xx